The Prolonged Goodbye

With many prayers under my belt, last night I told my precious Zachary about our move to Cambodia. In some ways it went better than I expected, but it was definitely more emotionally taxing than I'd anticipated. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea how much it would overwhelm me right now. I knew that my last day with the boys would be horribly emotional, but as I had been more worried about Zachary's emotional state, I hadn't fully prepared myself. Although my dad and I have a good relationship now, as an abandoned child, my greatest fear and pain has always been to leave that feeling of abandonment with anyone else, especially a child. Looking into his innocent, precious eyes, while explaining to him why we were moving was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's carried over into today, as I recall every little moment. His tears; his questions; his statement of wishing it was "2 weeks instead of 2 years"; and the final heart-ripping moment when he curled into my lap to fall asleep, like he used to do when I'd rock him to sleep everyday. He hasn't done that since he was 2 years old. I hummed the same songs I used to sing to him during those precious moments, as I was unable to get the words out without tears. I remember Vicky D. one time recommending that you take the time to rock your children to sleep because one day you'll wish you could. I'm so grateful for her words of advice, and that I took it to heart with my little Z-man. Those peaceful memories will remain in my heart forever.

This past weekend we attended a camp meeting in Tyler, TX, and some of our family became emotional as it hit them that our departure is drawing near. My MIL said it correctly when she announced that the prolonged goodbye has begun. We had so much encouragement from everyone who spoke to us, as well as comments of cautious concern for our safety, and the emotional state of our family, especially that of our mothers. Several have commented along the lines of, "I don't know if I could let my children do what you're doing," or "I would simply be a mess if my child was going across the world." Well, as gently as I can say it, our moms wouldn't 'let' us go if they didn't recognize the greater cause, and I feel confident that if the day comes for you (if you're one of the moms striving to empathize with our mothers), that you too, would be frustratingly proud that your child would desire to do such a work. If you come across our moms, please don't ask how, simply commend them and let them know you're praying, because although they may hold it together in public, their knees are sore from seeking His wisdom as they work through their emotions.

Wisdom. Such a small word which seems unattainable in some ways. I've been asking the Father for this quality ever since I was 12, and will continue doing so until I no longer need to ask on this side of eternity. These past few months, weeks, and especially days, I am longing for any and all wisdom He is willing to send my way. As I sit here, struggling with the empty feeling of leaving my little boys, I keep approaching His throne, asking for His strength and guidance, and so far His supply appears plentiful. I know He can care for Zachary and Max better than I, or even his parents can, as none of us are immortal, and that thought is keeping me going. I'm also so overly blessed to be going in this modern time, where I can look forward to connecting with them as I see their little faces on Skype, and through photos on social media and email. I hate goodbyes. Of course, I don't know that anyone much enjoys them, but I have to work hard at saying them because I'd rather sneak out and not deal with all of the pesky emotions. Don't worry though, I won't be doing any sneaking on this trip, which is why it is so difficult. If you know me at all, you'll most likely know that I'm not a cryer. I may be very open with my thoughts and life in general, but I tend to be very private with my emotions. {As I sit here and vomit my emotional guts to whoever might decide to read this.} However, I've had so many ask me to share my experiences, and so, that's what I'm doing. As I was saying, I'm not a cryer, and yet I broke down when my cat reached up to love on me this morning. All I kept thinking was, "I'm abandoning you too!" Proverbs 12:10 has come to mind quite often, concerning Bitsy and Oscar. I realize that there are quite a few cat haters out there, but please try to understand. Although I'm sure they don't realize how hurtful their comments can be, some have mentioned simply leaving the door open for the cats to wander out, or just dropping them off in a nearby field. Maybe they need to be going to Cambodia instead of me, since it's easier for them to let go.  But alas, I am the one going, and therefore the one who has to sort through the emotions and details of leaving my comfortable life here for a new one in a new place. It's such a strange feeling to have both excitement for my new home in Cambodia, while dreading each day, as they draw me closer to leaving my loved ones. I suppose it's a similar feeling to not wanting to leave the comfort and love for this earthly life, while yearning for the excitement of the heavenly life to come. In summary, today, my prayer is for God's joy and wisdom to saturate my heart, as I cope with this prolonged goodbye.