One is not the loneliest number...

A while back, Debbie E. had told me she would be praying for us in our work, as it's a lonely road. She said she wouldn't change what they've done, as it's been an invaluable blessing, but, for us, fears the seclusion missionary work often delivers. As an older, godly woman, and an experienced wife of a missionary, I tucked her words away for safe keeping. I didn't expect to need those words again until I'd arrived in the foreign land which will soon be my home, but here I am, pulling them out into the open. I had not anticipated her advice ringing true before leaving American soil, but the solitary feelings have already begun. There's a song from the late 60's entitled, "One," and it's opening line is, "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do." As an extroverted introvert, nothing is farther from the truth. Solitude is sweet relief when you're someone who tends to struggle with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. When I'm alone, no one cares what I say or don't say. No one is offended or upset by anything I do - it's great! ;o)  The thing that is difficult, is when you're alone in a crowd. I've always said, that for me, one of the loneliest places can be a room full of people. For true extroverts, this may sound insane, but if you're an introvert, you probably understand me perfectly. The 3 times Bradley has left the states to travel for mission work, I felt the desire for isolation, or very small groups, preferably 4 or less. The reason is due to the realization of how alone you are in your situation. When either no one, or very few others have experienced the trial you're enduring (regardless of severity), you almost feel as though you have no connection to anyone. Hence, the loneliness of being in a room full of people. Bradley and I often felt tinges of this during our infertility trials, but are now feeling it even more so. Both Bradley and Jonathan have tried to explain to me that a detachment process has to occur for us, and those in our lives, but that doesn't make it any easier to experience. My personality, in most cases, handles detachment quite well, but not when it's a drawn out process. UGH! This whole "count down the weeks, days, hours," stuff is for the dogs! It's weird trying to comfort and hang on, while trying to release and let go. I guess the Lord is wanting me to grow in this area, as it's not one of my strengths. And just what "area" do I mean, TRANSITION. There's that yucky word again. I may not have always handled everything with grace,  but I've never handled transitional times with grace. I tend to be a black and white personality, in most ways, which is probably why this gray area of "this is no longer my home, but Cambodia isn't my home yet either" is biting me in the butt. I am thankful to be moving with 3 of my best friends, but right now, we're all experiencing different emotions at different times. So, again, we're back to one. It helps me, in those moments when I start going all pity-party on myself, to remember that Jesus dealt with A LOT more loneliness than me, especially in a room full of people. I'll do my best to follow His example, but I'm not doing so hot thus far. However, it's such a relief and blessing to know that I'm not truly alone. I just have to keep praying and reminding myself that my heavenly Father is always here with me. Thanks to Him, 'one' is not the loneliest number.