A Lesson in Cultural Differences

Recently Bradley and I had the privilege of attending my brother's wedding in Los Angeles. It was a beautiful affair, and especially touching for me to see Byron unite with his tenderhearted bride. On this trip, I had anticipated exhaustion from travel; excitement and anxiety from helping with the wedding; and much joy derived from precious time with family. One thing I had not counted on, however, was that of a lesson in cultural differences.

Last year in June, Byron visited us here in Pohang, and as he always does, he made a few friends during his short stay. One of them is our dear friend, Jung Oo. So, whenever Jung Oo discovered we were traveling to the states for the wedding, he invited himself along. This was the first part of the lesson, as we were unsure how to handle someone inviting themselves to another person's wedding. I assume this difference in view stems from our different world views. The Korean culture comes from the world view of community: most cultural rules, practices, and traditions are based on what is best for the community as a whole. They believe the individual is more greatly enriched if the community is benefited, as opposed to the American mindset that the community will more greatly benefit if the individual is enriched. As I have seen the downside to both of these views, I reason the truth is found somewhere in the middle. Regardless, where a wedding in America is a celebration on a personal, individual level, a wedding in Korea is a celebration for the community. This slight difference in views yields different practices. Thankfully, Byron and his bride were completely understanding, and they accepted Jung Oo's invitation to their wedding. Haha!

Bradley and I were relieved to have dodged a cultural bullet, and proceeded with planning, packing, and traveling to the wedding. It was a blessing on this side of the ocean to have our Korean friend to help in the airport, and we were happy to return the favor stateside. Aside from the 1 1/2 hour wait for our foreign friend to make it through customs, there were no hiccups during our 18 hours of travel. Byron met us at curbside, and the wedding week began.

Enjoying the Promenade.

Although we did savor some American treats and do a little sight-seeing, most of our time was spent preparing for the 'big day.' When he had decided to come along, Jung Oo was excited to visit Universal Studios and other 'hot spots' with us. We quickly and gently informed Jung Oo that we were not traveling as tourists, but for the purpose of focusing on and helping Byron with his wedding. He was welcome to do anything that he pleased, but we were going to be at my brother's disposal for the entirety of the trip. I was quite relieved when he said he understood, as Koreans love their travel! I was worried this would cause some disappointment or frustration on his part, but thankfully this was not the case.

One evening after a day of wedding preparation, we all decided to take it easy and enjoy sandwiches while watching a TV show. My mom pulled out all of the sandwich fixins', and after giving thanks for our food, we all proceeded, in turn, to make our sandwiches. Jung Oo was standing around, and it dawned on me that he might not know how to make a sandwich, given the American sandwich is almost non-existent in Asia. I quietly suggested to Bradley that he assist Jung Oo with his meal, but before Bradley could do so, my mom kindly offered. With this, our Korean friend became frustrated and declared to Bradley, "no. You do it!" He was evidently upset, and we were all unsure as to the reason. Both my mom and I tried to help, but Jung Oo was insistent that Bradley be the one. So, we all tried to focus on the show instead of the uncomfortable situation in the kitchen. After eating his sandwich, Jung Oo left for the hotel without saying much. We were all concerned, but unsure as to what to do. Bradley called him to see if he was okay, and if he wanted to join us in a board game. He declined and said he wanted to stay in the hotel. The only thing we could figure was that we had unintentionally embarrassed our friend since he did not know how to make a sandwich, but it was only a guess.

When Bradley and I returned that night to the room we were sharing with Jung Oo, it was evident that there was still a cloud hanging above our friend's head. We did our best to give him room, while making it clear we were available if he decided he wanted to talk. The following day he was finally able to move past his feelings and share what had been weighing on him: our lack of hospitality.

Before I go any further, I need to make it clear that for our friend's world view and cultural experience, he did nothing wrong in this situation. In his realm of understanding, Bradley and I were in the wrong. Let me explain:

Cultural differences go beyond the holidays, clothing, and daily rituals. They extend deeper: to our way of thinking. Simple things like hospitality, niceties in public, sleeping arrangements, physical affection, respect versus disrespect, signs of a close relationship, and more all come back to what we view as right and wrong. However, every culture has its own view of what is right and wrong in all of these areas and more. As a Christian, my actual right and wrong are laid out in biblical principles, but as an American, my "right and wrong" are, in actuality, opinions that have been taught as rules. For example, in Asia, it is disrespectful for a young person to look an older person in the eyes if they are being reprimanded. It is viewed as a challenge to authority. This "right" way is viewed in the complete opposite way in America. It is seen as dismissive if a young person does not look the older person in the eyes, and is therefore disrespectful. That's a HUGE difference in a way of thinking; the complete opposite in fact. Both customs are reaching for the same goal: respect. And yet, the process of attaining this goal is the exact opposite. Having lived in two Asian countries now, Bradley and I have learned our fair share of "rights" and "wrongs." Since honoring all people is a biblical principle, we have always striven to be respectful of the cultural rules and practices around us. In this way, I truly appreciate and understand Paul's struggle to 'become all things to all men,' as it is not an easy feat at times. However, it does give us the opportunity to show Christ's love in a way that is unnecessary whenever you are in your own country. To follow common and familiar customs is not difficult, but to recognize and observe unfamiliar customs takes a great deal of effort and focus. I think this is one of the reasons foreign work can be so exhausting. When you spend every moment on the street trying to avoid doing what is considered rude, and doing what you remember to be considerate in your current culture, it can wear you out mentally.

Okay, so back to the story.

In Korea, hospitality is one of complete service given by your host, not waiters. Tipping is unnecessary and even at times offensive in Korea. They believe in a job well done, regardless of the pay. For someone like me, this is a dream. If I need something, someone is available to help me, but if not, I will not be bothered. This is another difference from American culture where the tip depends on how well you are served during your meal. However, since Korean hosts are charged with serving, the waiters are less involved. It is customary that if you invite someone to eat with you, you will pay the bill. If you were invited, they pay. (This changes once you have established a relationship with friends, as you can share the cost of outings, if desired. However, in my experience so far, trade-offs are more popular: "I'll pay for the movie tickets. You pay for the snacks.") Not only do the hosts pay for the meal, they also order for their guests, with the greatest concern being that their company be at least comfortably full, if not uncomfortably full, at the end of the meal. They ensure the guests comfort within the allotted space, such as asking for temperature adjustments if needed. They put food on your plate for you, as they eat communal style with shared main dishes and small individual plates. One hostess even went as far as to spoon feed me.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

I was spoon fed... in public... by a woman who I had only met once before... all in the name of hospitality. Some foreigners love this servitude. They enjoy the pampering and feel cared for with all of this attention. I am one who struggles with it. Usually at a gathering, I am the one who seeks out a job or a conversation so I can feel a sense of purpose. If I am being spoon fed, I feel quite worthless, and the independent part of my personality feels caged. Not to mention that I am not too fond of being the center of attention.

Now, hopping over the Pacific to our homeland, like in Korea, hospitality does mean service and caring for your guest. However, the way this goal of service and care is met, is quite different. Now, being a melting pot, America does have various cultural practices, and I think that yields a culture of people who are, in general, less strict in their views of 'right and wrong' concerning hospitality. In general though, hospitality means providing for the needs of your guest. A good American host ensures their guest has food available to them, a comfortable bed, as well as anything they need to take care of themselves. The service is more in the providing rather than the doing. (To my knowledge, in America, spoon feeding is reserved for infants.*wink*wink*) Specifically for Bradley and I, hospitality in our home also reveals a level of trust. If we are close enough to someone, they are invited to treat our home as they would their own. They can rummage through the fridge, take a snack from the pantry, and even make themselves a sandwich if they so desire. We would not allow a stranger this level of access to our home, and even with new acquaintances there is a period of time where I would prefer they not be in my kitchen. However, if you have earned my trust, then mi casa es tu casa!

This intimate level of hospitality is what we were demonstrating to Jung Oo, yet his world view saw this act as a lack of hospitality. My family had gone so far as to pay for his hotel stay, some of his meals, provide a mode of transportation, and Bradley and I had helped him with reserving and purchasing his airline tickets. And yet, our difference in defining hospitality had brought about this misunderstanding. We were hurt that he considered us inhospitable, and he was hurt that we cared so little for him that we had neglected to feed him more attentively. Who knew a sandwich could cause so much trouble?

Thankfully, after some discussion, Bradley was able to remind Jung Oo that we were not in his country. We were in America, and the customs are different. Bradley briefly explained the differences in our cultures, and our friend realized his misunderstanding of our actions. Both apologized, and Jung Oo said that for the first time he could comprehend some of what Bradley and I deal with on a daily basis in Korea. For us, it was a relief to have him come to this realization. Not only for the sake of peace being restored, but it is a comfort to know that in the future he will have a little more patience and compassion for us whenever we mistakenly offend, due to the difference in American and Korean practices. Even though we had an unpleasant miscommunication, in the end it drew us closer to our dear friend. Overall, the trip was a great blessing for us.

Rehearsal dinner photo opp.

The send-off for the gorgeous couple.

This is not "the" sandwich, but I had to share. Haha!

My take away from all of this is that the reality is the only true right and wrong comes from God's word, not a person's world view. However, it is quite helpful to realize that a man or woman's world view shapes how they think about everything. Hopefully the knowledge gained from this experience will help us share the gospel more effectively in Korea and everywhere. Although I have deciphered a lot about thinking outside of my culture, this incident has brought to light just how much I have yet to learn. I pray I can exhibit patience, humility, and kindness each time I am presented with a lesson in cultural differences.

Cheers!