A Spiritual Pedicure

Hello again!

It has been a long time since my last post. There have been a dozen times that I have sat down to write a new post, only to give up in frustration. This was not due to writer's block or not having anything to say, but rather most of my thoughts were negative, and I feared they would discourage instead of encourage. Writing allows me to vent, but I always try to come back to "will this glorify God?" So, over the past year, I have walked away from my computer, feeling defeated by my own bitterness. Oh Brandi, you bitter brat.

To boil it down, although I do not feel 'lonely', I do feel alone here. To convey this conundrum to those who have not been in my shoes is difficult. It's not as though I'm crying myself to sleep at night. I have friends with whom to laugh, play games, and visit. However, there is still a lingering loneliness that exists whenever you are doing a foreign work, because you are often alone in your faith. The feeling is compounded when there are no other Americans who understand the cultural part of who you are. It's no wonder I've had a greater struggle here than I did in Cambodia. Oddly enough I did cry myself to sleep there, but that was specifically due to missing the two boys I used to nanny, "my boys," Zach and Max. In Cambodia our small but solid group of believers included an American brother and sister who understood our cultural frustrations. We actually had fewer friends in Cambodia, and yet I didn't struggle with this type of loneliness. So, why am I faced with it now?

Well, when your husband works a full-time secular job, and both of you are the only ones available to make contacts, demonstrate hospitality, develop relationships, and conduct studies, you can wear down pretty quickly. The weight of being alone in your faith increases rapidly.

So, that's one reason that explains the 'loneliness.'

Then, there's the language barrier. Always the language barrier. This was an issue in Cambodia too, however we had a believing brother who was a full-time translator/interpreter. This gave us assurance that the truth of our meaning was fully conveyed. In Bradley's studies here he has come to realize that some of the biblical meanings have not been fully disclosed or correctly translated in study materials, and even in parts of the Korean bible...or at least one of the versions of it. This means that a study that would take roughly 30 minutes with a native English speaker takes at least twice as long, but usually three or four times as long. Even with our Korean lessons, it would probably takes us several years before we would have enough understanding of the language to ensure the meaning is being fully conveyed. Even though we are not discouraged to the point of giving up, it does add to the weight and daily frustrations of the work. Again, a feeling to which most of our loved ones and brethren cannot relate.

Another reason for the 'loneliness.'

Originally, Bradley took a secular position to relieve funds back home in anticipation of another family joining us in the work here. Unfortunately for us, no one has answered that call, although several have been kind enough to consider it. With the many times we have been given the answer "no" to our prayer for children, I feel as though it better prepared us for hearing "no" again to our prayer for a second family joining us in Korea.

Yet another reason for feeling the 'loneliness.'

Well meaning listeners have offered to video chat, and we appreciate the gesture. But, after one particularly discouraging conversation, we backed off of video chats since we need all of the encouragement we can muster. We already feel alone in this work, and to have someone inadvertently  make us feel ridiculous for being exhausted in it, was more than I could handle at the time. So, admittedly, I avoided seeking out video chats, and thankfully most people were so busy it did not seem to effect anyone. I licked my wounds long enough to get over it and remind myself that I did not choose to become a Christian because life would be easier and free of pain or frustration.

I did my best to focus on the passage in Romans that talks about the 'beautiful feet of those who bring the gospel of peace.' But, in all honesty, by the end of 2018 my spiritual feet were not feeling all that beautiful. Instead they were covered in dust and grit, and were well past presentable in my tattered sandals. I was in great need of a spiritual pedicure, if you will. Thankfully, the brethren provided us with a trip home in December to see loved ones. Getting to hug, kiss, play with, and talk to family, friends, and brethren was the deluxe pedicure treatment this soul had been craving.

Some of our Korean friends were surprised by our long trip of 3 weeks, but it was barely enough to hold me over until next year. Between the expense; the 15 hour flight; and the 15 hour time difference resulting in some serious jet lag, 3 weeks in not that long. For the Koreans, travel is so quick and easy to most places. Within 1-2 hours they can be in another country for less than $200. This results in a culture that travels often for short periods of time. Plus, they are usually traveling to experience a place, not to see family and friends. So, it's no wonder that a 3 week trip seems long to them. However, having literally hundreds of people with whom we wish to reconnect, there just is not enough time for this homesick girl.

Although I long for more time, I am incredibly grateful to God for granting us safety; the brethren for their generosity; and to our loved ones who sacrificed time and energy to be with us. It was a helpful reminder that we are indeed not alone. We enjoyed many encouraging conversations. Every single hug lifted me and strengthened me, as dear ones voiced their love and support. However, the most meaningful conversation I had was with a woman who understands how it feels to wear the tattered sandals of foreign work, sister Debbie. Deb's hug, for me, was one of understanding. We looked at each other and sighed a knowing sigh. She proceeded to listen and then shared her experience and encouragement. It makes me tear up to think about that moment...that moment that I was not alone. I was understood.

Even as a child, I remember no greater frustration than being misunderstood, and I am the same today. For me, being understood is connected to my feeling of worth. My sister, whether she realized it or not, granted me a feeling of great value during those few moments of conversation. Thank you Debbie. Thank you Father for Debbie, and I pray that everyone has 'a Debbie' with whom they can feel understood and connected.

After our time in the states, I feel as though my spiritual toes are now sparkling with fresh polish. Most assuredly my feet will gain rough spots again, and my pretty polish will chip and wear away. But I am beyond blessed to know that until these feet get to rest in heaven, I have the blessing of going home for a spiritual pedicure.

Are your feet beautiful?
Or are they in need of a spiritual pedicure?

Cheers!