Magic Mirror On The Wall

Although it has been many years since I watched Disney's version of Snow White, I still recall the austere and evil beauty of Malificent, as she carried on an unhealthy affair with her mirror. Standing before her reflection, she asks, "Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" A face appears, and a man's voice declares that although the wicked queen is beautiful, there is one with greater beauty; one with "skin as white as snow."

Living in Cambodia has opened my eyes to many things. In moving here, I came with the expectation that I would learn and grow, but to my surprise, I have grown in an area which I had not anticipated: physical self-esteem. One struggle that every woman has is that of beauty. Every year of a girls' life is one of looking forward to becoming a beautiful young woman, and then at a certain point, that young woman begins to stress over the wrinkles, grey hairs, and other small reminders that her physical beauty is fading. Call me naive, but I honestly thought that this was more of an issue in America. However, after seeing the extreme measures some Cambodian women go to in order to attain beauty, I now know this is a female thing, across cultures. Of course, there will always be exceptions. There are those who have accepted their imperfections, gaining confidence in themselves as a person, instead of in the skin that covers their true identity, but I have yet to meet a woman who believes she has the perfect face and body. I have often complained about my pasty, translucent skin, as America is all about the tan these days. Well, I feel quite differently now. Seeing young women with chemical burns from trying to lighten their skin, and hearing mothers tell their daughters they will never marry because "no man wants a dark wife," has changed my opinion.

I have a tendency to over-analyze things, and yes, I have dwelt on this A LOT. Why do we torture ourselves, in hopes of getting a little bit of acknowledgment concerning our physical appearance? Do we fear that our importance is wrapped up in our looks? I can understand why someone without a caring, loving husband might focus on looks, but why do I sometimes wrestle with this longing to be physically perfect? And what does physically perfect even look like? With these and other questions floating around in my head, I have thought of the varied phrases I have heard over the years, referring to my beauty. For example, "you're the most beautiful," "you're the full-figured one," "you're really too skinny, you need to gain some weight," "you look good with some extra weight on you," "you look so good since you've lost weight," "this is your sister, but she's so pretty," "you look good with color on you," and on and on the list goes. So many comparisons. So many judgements. So many vain words.

Why can't I just be beautiful?
Why does my beauty depend upon a comparison with someone else?

At first I was frustrated with the standards that , in my mind, were being set by men, but if I'm honest with myself, my views on beauty have more to do with the women in my life than the men. Although I do enjoy receiving a compliment from the male variety, and dislike an insult, when I examine most of the voices in my head, they belong to females. I can hear women older than me saying things like, "I'm too fat," "I wish I was beautiful like...," "I'm so disgusting," "I used to be beautiful," and I am ashamed to admit that I have been guilty of uttering similar phrases. It struck me as odd once I came to this realization, because there is this unspoken rule that as a woman, I am expected to self-deprecate, and that verbalizing contentment or approval of my person is haughty or self-righteous.

But why?

Why is it okay for me to tear myself down, but not okay for me to build myself up? Obviously, as a Christian, I had to consider the possibility of being puffed up when building up oneself. But then I wondered: does humility equal belittling oneself? I cannot think of an instance where that is the case, so I have come to the conclusion that, as with everything, it is all about finding a balance. My goal is not to be the most beautiful, but to just be beautiful. Not compared to my friend, sister, mother, or any other woman, but beautiful as an individual. This will require a balancing act between self-deprication and self-righteousness, hopefully landing on the humility mark. I do not have a daughter yet, but with the precious little girls in my life, I hope that they will learn to love who they are by watching me. I want to be a humble example of beauty. With Millie being the newest addition to the family, I have thought about how I do not want my niece to consider herself ugly or undesirable. I feel confident that neither putting myself down, nor focusing on comparisons will help her reach a godly goal of humble beauty. Whenever she has grown, I want my voice in her head to be one that encourages and reinforces spiritual strength, not one of destruction or vanity. This will require greater effort on my part, as I will have to focus on the positive and let go of the negative, but with the Lord on my side, I know I can do it - hey I'm positive already. ;o)

The culture I come from would have me believe that I am not beautiful because I am too white, but the culture I currently live in would have me believe that I am beautiful because I am so white.

It's amazing how changing just a few words altered the perspective of beauty.

It's always greener... or tanner... or, uh... whiter on the other side...

Despite the fact that I still have days when I struggle with consulting the magic mirror on the wall, I feel much more confident and comfortable in my own skin now. I recognize that no matter my features and coloring, I would battle with wanting what I do not possess. I would love to have thick, long locks of hair, but if I did, I would probably complain about the effort it takes to tame my mane. I would love to have a less pronounced chin, but if I did, I would probably complain that my face never stands out in a crowd. I would love to have slimmer feet, but if I did, I would probably complain that my toes look big on such a skinny foot. This body will continue to deteriorate, regardless of what I try to do, but I hope my eternal body will grow in beauty with each passing year. So, instead of yearning and complaining, I will try to recognize that I am beautiful because I was crafted by the greatest Sculptor of all time, and to Him, as the only Brandi Lee Ballard like me that He has ever created, with my "skin as white as snow," I am the fairest of them all. Cheers!

Do you struggle with consulting the magic mirror on the wall?
Are most of the "voices in your head" male or female?
Would you want your daughter to talk about herself the way you talk about yourself?