Fishing, Camping, and Seaweed

This past Sunday evening, Bradley and I had the honor of taking my little best friend, Zachary, for his first camping trip. He has wanted to go fishing ever since he watched Little Bear, and saw Little Bear fishing with Father Bear. Bradley and I thoroughly enjoy camping, hiking, and simply being outdoors. Neither of us minds getting our hands dirty, and enjoying God's creation is always a delightful treat. We're hoping this all comes in handy in Cambodia. Not that we're planning on living in a tent, but we're prepared for some camping excursions along the way.

All day Saturday was spent packing, and then with a dinner party that evening, neither Bradley nor I had put a lot of thought into where we'd be camping with our little guy. Lake Ray Roberts, was our fallback, but honestly wished there was something closer, that would still allow us to feel removed from the city. Since rain was in the forecast, we decided that our backyard and/or living room would be the back-up campsite. After Sunday services and collecting Z-man, we gathered our gear from home, and made a Wal-Mart stop on our way out of town. The necessary camping foods had been purchased, and I pulled up directions to Ray Roberts on my phone. We were on our way! With looming storm clouds and an hour drive ahead of us, we were anxious about being able to give Z-man an enjoyable first-time fishing/camping trip, but we pressed on... for 3 minutes. Then, lo and behold! A private, neighborhood pond, still somewhat secluded from city life, appeared on our left. Bradley and I jerked our heads toward one another, reading the same thought in each others' eyes, and he made a quick u-turn for the pond. Zachary was so excited. It was precious. We honestly expected him to cast once or twice, and then grow frustrated or bored and quit. However, something 'magical' happened. My sweet, but not-so-patient little boy stood, stoically, slowly reeling in his line, over and over again. He eventually became frustrated that he wasn't catching anything, but was relieved when he discovered we had not hooked his line yet. He threw his bobber a few more times, and then we tied on his hook without bait. We weren't hoping to catch any fish, as Zach was wanting to eat any we caught, and we were pretty sure this pond was meant for catch and release. It began to sprinkle, but Z-man was determined to catch something. He was growing a little discouraged when, suddenly, he felt a tug on his line. Bradley and I nervously thrust our heads over the fence of the dock, wondering how we were going to tell this child he couldn't keep his catch. Then relief came. He had caught some type of water plant. Both Bradley and I were a little worried Zach would be upset by his accidental catch, but to our surprise, he lit up as he exclaimed, "I did it! I caught some seaweed!" You would've thought the child had reeled in a 50 pound bass. He was so thrilled, that he cast several more times, in an attempt to catch more seaweed. We were ready to throw the 'seaweed' back, when Zach asked if we could cook it over the campfire, and eat it. {YUCK!} So, of course we said yes.

Fishing off the dock

Right before he made his big catch

We piled in the car again, hoping our hour drive would help Z-man forget about the seaweed snack, and again pressed on... for 2 minutes. Then, lo and behold! A blue camping sign with an arrow appeared on our right. Again, our heads jerked toward one another, in shock. We pulled into the check-in office to inquire about this unexpected possibility. The sprinkling had increased to rain at this point, but Zachary still wanted to camp outside, in a tent. We were blessed with a site where someone had just departed, having left 3 large logs burning in the fire pit. We began to set up our home front, and with a tarp and rain fly, we were able to transform a rainy mess into a cozy evening. Hot dogs, Cheetos, and marshmallows were on the menu, and Zachary was kind enough to remind us about the seaweed. I tried to explain that it wasn't like the seaweed we eat on sushi, but he was determined to dine on his catch of the day. Salted and cooked, Z-man took a bite... and that was the end of that. The rest was thrown into the fire. ;o) We enjoyed the rest of the night with games, books, and blessed sleep.

Cooking dinner, undisturbed by the rain

Thanks Bradley for setting up our shelter!

A mouthful of s'more

Thank you Zach. We could've imagined what

it looked like without you showing us. ;o)

Night time glow

Words before this picture, "I'm not sleepy yet."

Angel face. *sigh*

It rained through the night, but was perfect camping weather the next morning. Campfire breakfasts are one of mine and Bradley's faves.

The guys let me sleep in a little, but were

ready to eat when I crawled out of the tent.

Thanks Timo for the chair!!!

Fire is so mesmerizing.

Me and my boy!

All in all, it was a great trip. Pretty great camping for being only 5.3 miles away from home! I'll treasure these memories forever, and from now on, seaweed will always bring a smile to my face. Man I love that kid!

One is not the loneliest number...

A while back, Debbie E. had told me she would be praying for us in our work, as it's a lonely road. She said she wouldn't change what they've done, as it's been an invaluable blessing, but, for us, fears the seclusion missionary work often delivers. As an older, godly woman, and an experienced wife of a missionary, I tucked her words away for safe keeping. I didn't expect to need those words again until I'd arrived in the foreign land which will soon be my home, but here I am, pulling them out into the open. I had not anticipated her advice ringing true before leaving American soil, but the solitary feelings have already begun. There's a song from the late 60's entitled, "One," and it's opening line is, "one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do." As an extroverted introvert, nothing is farther from the truth. Solitude is sweet relief when you're someone who tends to struggle with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. When I'm alone, no one cares what I say or don't say. No one is offended or upset by anything I do - it's great! ;o)  The thing that is difficult, is when you're alone in a crowd. I've always said, that for me, one of the loneliest places can be a room full of people. For true extroverts, this may sound insane, but if you're an introvert, you probably understand me perfectly. The 3 times Bradley has left the states to travel for mission work, I felt the desire for isolation, or very small groups, preferably 4 or less. The reason is due to the realization of how alone you are in your situation. When either no one, or very few others have experienced the trial you're enduring (regardless of severity), you almost feel as though you have no connection to anyone. Hence, the loneliness of being in a room full of people. Bradley and I often felt tinges of this during our infertility trials, but are now feeling it even more so. Both Bradley and Jonathan have tried to explain to me that a detachment process has to occur for us, and those in our lives, but that doesn't make it any easier to experience. My personality, in most cases, handles detachment quite well, but not when it's a drawn out process. UGH! This whole "count down the weeks, days, hours," stuff is for the dogs! It's weird trying to comfort and hang on, while trying to release and let go. I guess the Lord is wanting me to grow in this area, as it's not one of my strengths. And just what "area" do I mean, TRANSITION. There's that yucky word again. I may not have always handled everything with grace,  but I've never handled transitional times with grace. I tend to be a black and white personality, in most ways, which is probably why this gray area of "this is no longer my home, but Cambodia isn't my home yet either" is biting me in the butt. I am thankful to be moving with 3 of my best friends, but right now, we're all experiencing different emotions at different times. So, again, we're back to one. It helps me, in those moments when I start going all pity-party on myself, to remember that Jesus dealt with A LOT more loneliness than me, especially in a room full of people. I'll do my best to follow His example, but I'm not doing so hot thus far. However, it's such a relief and blessing to know that I'm not truly alone. I just have to keep praying and reminding myself that my heavenly Father is always here with me. Thanks to Him, 'one' is not the loneliest number.

The Prolonged Goodbye

With many prayers under my belt, last night I told my precious Zachary about our move to Cambodia. In some ways it went better than I expected, but it was definitely more emotionally taxing than I'd anticipated. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea how much it would overwhelm me right now. I knew that my last day with the boys would be horribly emotional, but as I had been more worried about Zachary's emotional state, I hadn't fully prepared myself. Although my dad and I have a good relationship now, as an abandoned child, my greatest fear and pain has always been to leave that feeling of abandonment with anyone else, especially a child. Looking into his innocent, precious eyes, while explaining to him why we were moving was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's carried over into today, as I recall every little moment. His tears; his questions; his statement of wishing it was "2 weeks instead of 2 years"; and the final heart-ripping moment when he curled into my lap to fall asleep, like he used to do when I'd rock him to sleep everyday. He hasn't done that since he was 2 years old. I hummed the same songs I used to sing to him during those precious moments, as I was unable to get the words out without tears. I remember Vicky D. one time recommending that you take the time to rock your children to sleep because one day you'll wish you could. I'm so grateful for her words of advice, and that I took it to heart with my little Z-man. Those peaceful memories will remain in my heart forever.

This past weekend we attended a camp meeting in Tyler, TX, and some of our family became emotional as it hit them that our departure is drawing near. My MIL said it correctly when she announced that the prolonged goodbye has begun. We had so much encouragement from everyone who spoke to us, as well as comments of cautious concern for our safety, and the emotional state of our family, especially that of our mothers. Several have commented along the lines of, "I don't know if I could let my children do what you're doing," or "I would simply be a mess if my child was going across the world." Well, as gently as I can say it, our moms wouldn't 'let' us go if they didn't recognize the greater cause, and I feel confident that if the day comes for you (if you're one of the moms striving to empathize with our mothers), that you too, would be frustratingly proud that your child would desire to do such a work. If you come across our moms, please don't ask how, simply commend them and let them know you're praying, because although they may hold it together in public, their knees are sore from seeking His wisdom as they work through their emotions.

Wisdom. Such a small word which seems unattainable in some ways. I've been asking the Father for this quality ever since I was 12, and will continue doing so until I no longer need to ask on this side of eternity. These past few months, weeks, and especially days, I am longing for any and all wisdom He is willing to send my way. As I sit here, struggling with the empty feeling of leaving my little boys, I keep approaching His throne, asking for His strength and guidance, and so far His supply appears plentiful. I know He can care for Zachary and Max better than I, or even his parents can, as none of us are immortal, and that thought is keeping me going. I'm also so overly blessed to be going in this modern time, where I can look forward to connecting with them as I see their little faces on Skype, and through photos on social media and email. I hate goodbyes. Of course, I don't know that anyone much enjoys them, but I have to work hard at saying them because I'd rather sneak out and not deal with all of the pesky emotions. Don't worry though, I won't be doing any sneaking on this trip, which is why it is so difficult. If you know me at all, you'll most likely know that I'm not a cryer. I may be very open with my thoughts and life in general, but I tend to be very private with my emotions. {As I sit here and vomit my emotional guts to whoever might decide to read this.} However, I've had so many ask me to share my experiences, and so, that's what I'm doing. As I was saying, I'm not a cryer, and yet I broke down when my cat reached up to love on me this morning. All I kept thinking was, "I'm abandoning you too!" Proverbs 12:10 has come to mind quite often, concerning Bitsy and Oscar. I realize that there are quite a few cat haters out there, but please try to understand. Although I'm sure they don't realize how hurtful their comments can be, some have mentioned simply leaving the door open for the cats to wander out, or just dropping them off in a nearby field. Maybe they need to be going to Cambodia instead of me, since it's easier for them to let go.  But alas, I am the one going, and therefore the one who has to sort through the emotions and details of leaving my comfortable life here for a new one in a new place. It's such a strange feeling to have both excitement for my new home in Cambodia, while dreading each day, as they draw me closer to leaving my loved ones. I suppose it's a similar feeling to not wanting to leave the comfort and love for this earthly life, while yearning for the excitement of the heavenly life to come. In summary, today, my prayer is for God's joy and wisdom to saturate my heart, as I cope with this prolonged goodbye.

The Beginning of the end

Welp, it happened. I had my final Friday with my little boys last week. I'm officially down to 3 days a week. Even though I've been seeing them less and less, this was the first time I was choked up about it all. Don't worry, I'm not about to share a sob story, but am genuinely heart broken about leaving my little guys. I've loved them; disciplined them; painted with them; taught them; fed them; fought the battle of the wills with them; raised them; and loved every moment. At a time when we couldn't have our own children, the Lord was extremely gracious in allowing me to borrow and nurture my precious little Zachary. My serious, logical, little Z-man, who loves reading and asking the most difficult questions about this life. Although he was enough to melt my heart, the Lord blessed Steve and Bev with another little soul, Max. A spunky, happy, and loving Curious George. This family was kind enough to share their blessings with me, and they'll never know how grateful I am for having had this opportunity. God knew I needed a band-aid, and He provided healing for my heart in the forms of Zach and Max. I still have 2 months with them, and I plan to take advantage of every moment. I'm so thankful for Skype and the plethora of technology that will allow me to keep up with these little stinkers as they continue to grow.

Ice cream date, just because. 

Yeah, I love my boys.

This weekend we were in Louisiana for the final Cambodia presentation. Jonathan and Bradley tag-teamed in two different locations, to ensure more brethren could learn about the great work we're about to embark upon. On our way to LA, we were blessed to spend a few hours with ABCP, better known as Aubrey, Carli, and Pierce. It was such a treat to just sit and talk with our sweet brother and sister. As June 12th draws nearer, every moment becomes more precious with family and friends. Bradley caught the cutest video of Pierce,  but it won't let me load it on here for some reason. Ugh! I'll try again later. Just enjoy their still life beauty for now.

 Bro-bro, Carli-tron, and Piercey boy

Once we arrived at our destination, Paul and Alvie were gracious hosts. They are Debbie's parents (she's from DCcoC), and look what fabulous and famous 90's couple we found...

Sunday I heard Bradley's wonderful lesson on The Reconciliation of Christ for the third time, and it's been better each time. We were blessed to spend a short time with the entire congregation in Monroe. It's been neat to see the reaction and excitement for this new work. Although it's been nice to be finished with the presentations, I'm already looking forward to returning with more exciting news from over seas. Jonathan, Marissa, and the kiddos have done a lot more travel than us, and I know they're relieved to be finished. Of course, for Bradley and I, travel is an opportunity to act stupid and make each other laugh. We stopped at Dairy Queen for dessert, and they had an advertisement for a blizzard in a dipped waffle cone. I asked the guy behind the counter if that was for real, and when he said yes, I was happier than a rooster in a chicken coop. Sorry, but the southern bug bit me over the weekend. I have the tendency to take on the accent of those who are around me, and well, I had to make fun of myself for how much twang I'd suddenly acquired. ;o)

Within the past few days, we've managed to handle most of our accounts, insurance policies, etc., as well as begin the rental process. Umm, did I mention we've found renters for our home!?! Yeah, God is pretty awesome. It's funny though. Apparently everyone has been concerned about us finding renters, but that was never really a worry for me. My faith is weird. I don't worry about the big things, like normal people, but rather, it's the little things that test my faith. My thought is, if God wants us to do this work, He's going to carve a way, and, well, there's no way we could afford to go if we didn't rent or sale our home.  However, there are all of these little loose ends that I have to make sure to tie, but thankfully, things seem to be falling into place on that front too. I still have way more piles and boxes of stuff all over my home than I'd care to discuss right now, but answered prayers for peace are allowing me to take it in stride. I know it will get done, little by little, day by day. Quite a few mixed emotions arise from each situation, but right now I'm pretty content. So, with my final Friday at work completed; the final Cambodia presentation finished; and the loose ends getting tighter each day, I think it's safe to say that the 'beginning of the end' has begun. Ciao!

Barefoot and, well, not pregnant

Barefoot in the Park is one of my favorite movies. I've always fancied the notion of being a newlywed housewife, setting up her home front, while enjoying the newness of love. Aww, corny, but true. Well, I'm not as young, or as newlywed as Corey (Jane Fonda), but here I am, preparing to be that housewife, setting up my home front in a new land, while enjoying the comfort of faithful and ever-growing love. However, I have not felt as carefree as Corey appears to be in the movie. I had no idea how difficult it would be to quit my job and come home. I'm not only referring to the emotional expense of leaving the boys - I knew that would bite beyond reason, but rather this guilt which has arisen because I will no longer be contributing to our bank account. Most of my friends have either never been the bread winner for their family, or if they are/were, they've quit their jobs to stay home with children. Well, I have no children. So, what can I offer an "empty" home? The stress of this very thought was getting the best of me. Thanks to Bradley {and a few other sweethearts}, I was reminded how important my job is at home, with or without children. Where I've been focusing on what I won't be contributing, they reminded me of what I will be giving to my family. {Soap box moment: Yes, Bradley and I are a family. Whenever people ask if we've started a family, I say "yes, when we said 'I do'." Children do not make a family, they are wonderful additions to an existing family. I don't believe a couple stops being a family b/c all of their children have started their own families, but rather, I believe in the family God created when He united Adam and Eve. As you cannot read the tone of my voice, please know that I say this with gentility, not sass. Okay, I'm done.} Bradley shared that his desire for me to be home is selfish, in a sense, because he doesn't want to have to figure out if he has enough socks or milk for the week. He loves coming home to dinner on the table and a less stressed wife. He cannot wait for me to be able to fully commit myself to my business {Flirting with Fonts --> my graphic design company}, and our home. Honestly, even though I know Bradley's a great guy, I was a little surprised to hear him say all of this. Since I enjoy being unique, I'm always shocked whenever my inner, unknowingly, engrained American-culture shows up in my views.  I've always been a huge advocate for the significance of women staying home, and here I am being the hypocrite. Good ole Miss Liberty snuck her ugly head in, and somehow implanted this perception that my worth will be less once I leave the work force. That crowned stinker. Funny how we're supposedly free as Americans, and yet we still try to cage each other with socially accepted concepts. This week I'm working on fully embracing the role of a wife, and I'm kind of liking it... a lot. My husband is happier; I'm less stressed; more is being accomplished in my household and for my business; and somehow, amidst all of the Cambodia prep, I'm getting enough rest. Although I'm not sure how this is happening, God probably has a little something to do with it all {I've been tugging on His ear quite a bit lately}. Maybe the blessing of pregnancy will come someday, but tonight I thank God for giving me contentment in the state I am in... barefoot, and not pregnant.

Transition and Teeth

The last few weeks have flown by, and several times I have attempted to sit down and blog. Then something happens, it's past midnight, and well, I don't care anymore about anything other than sleep. Now, one month ago, I received an email that made me slightly nauseous. It was entitled: Itinerary for Cambodia flight from LA. For the first time in all of this, it really hit me. I. am. moving. WHAT!?! Although I am a little ashamed, I'm not going to lie, I had a mild panic attack. All I saw was the plethora of home repairs, administrative tasks, and boxes upon boxes of things to be done before the impending move. Then I saw all of the faces of everyone I'll have to hug goodbye for a little while. Ugh. So, yeah, I kind of freaked out. My oh-so-patient husband gently reminded me to hand it over to God. I did, eventually, but not before trying to figure it all out at that very moment. You know, because one can solve every problem in their world in a matter of 25 minutes. Yes, pity and pray for Bradley. I keep telling everyone that I need prayers the most out of the four of us. People think I'm joking. I'm not. Usually, I adjust well to change, but the transition before the change...um...well...not so much. Jonathan would give away his lifetime supply of bread in order to make this move (if you know Jonathan, you know that's a big deal); Marissa is such a faithful, go-with-the-flow type of gal, that she puts me to shame {how many mothers do you know who are completely fine going to a foreign country with little ones = FAITH}; and Bradley, my happy-go-lucky, give-you-the-shirt-off-his-back {literally, he would} type of guy. Oh, and then there's me. Me and my personality that's more along the lines of "why isn't plan A going as smoothly as I want," and "um, I'm going to have peanut butter in Cambodia, right?" I'm leaning heavily on my ability to be entertaining with all of my quirks, 'cause that's all I got goin' for me right now. ;o)  Back to transition: it feels as if everything in my life is in transition right now. My home is a construction zone; the parts of my home not under construction are being cleared away bit by bit; my work week is changing every few weeks as my employers ween both me and the boys from one another {insert tears and heartache}; my business {Flirting with Fonts - totally advertising myself} is in the process of a complete makeover, with Wesley giving my website a facelift, and me trying to decide what goes, what stays, what FwF no longer desires to do, etc.; financial situation --> totally changing; and boxes are replacing decorations.

The week after the tickets were purchased, I was doing well with letting go of the many things I cannot control right now, and was focusing on accomplishing what was within my grasp. Then, sitting at dinner, I bit into a tostada, and felt something strange. I was fearful that I'd chipped my front, bottom tooth, but was hoping it was just the texture of the tostada messing with my senses. However, one look in the mirror revealed that I had indeed increased the gap in my bite. For some, this would only be a minor set back, but for someone who has always taken good care of her teeth, I was pretty frustrated. Although my TMJD has altered them, my teeth are naturally straight, and I've been blessed to never deal with cavities. Plus, I'm one of those annoying people who loathes self imperfections. An "A" for someone else is great, but for me, all I see is that it isn't an "A+." The upside to this situation, is that in this far away country, in which I plan to live, they have amazing dental work. Here's hoping my teeth stay in tact until I can let a Cambodian dentist have their way with these sparkling whitish, slightly chipped beauties. Most people who dream about their teeth falling out are dealing with empty nest syndrome or money troubles. Not me. I'm literally worried about my teeth falling out of my head. On that note, I'm going to grab my extremely sexy mouthpiece and head to bed. Praying for a calm spirit and strong teeth.

My Glass is Half Full

Okay, so I'm a little behind my blog-once-a-week goal. It's okay though, I have an excuse: I've been busy. Lame, but true. Last weekend we traveled with our dear friends, Jonathan & Marissa, to Kansas City for a Cambodia presentation. With 3 little ones in the car, I'd prepared myself to make a dozen stops, but they were little champs. We made it to Daniel and Mendel's home in 9 1/2 hours, including stops. Mendel was a gracious hostess, with a clean house and ready beds, and Daniel nicely filled his role as the stomach filler. It's so fascinating to watch couples in their uniqueness. In our home, I'm the doer, and Bradley's the entertainer. Hungry? Tired? Need to know where something is? I've got your back, although I will often forget to ask you the standard, "do you need something to drink?" However, coffee, and most of the talking and laughing will be provided by my jolly hubby. Every household is different though. My MIL is the entertainer (she provides too, but she knows how to tell a story), and my FIL is always concerned you might starve to death under his roof. ;o)  My mom is constantly cleaning and checking on you, in case you might have become hungry since the last time she asked you (3 minutes ago), and my step-dad is ready to entertain you with his latest antique finds. And it goes on and on with the different partnerships working together to care for their guests.

Adam, Davette, and little Foster came over Saturday morning, and we had a lovely time catching up with one another. The guys played ping pong and discussed future plans, while Davette and Mendel educated Missy and I on essential oils. I so enjoy the friendship I have with so many of the Missouri people, and I was so sad I didn't get to spend more time with each one. {sniff, sniff} We were able to hug necks of more friends, Jeff, James, Christy, their little buttercup {her dimples will kill you}, and the list goes on. Then, after the presentation on the work in Cambodia, a sweet couple, Ralph and Kay, drove us to their home in Houston, Missouri. Except for an hour stop for dinner, we spent about 5 hours riding with this couple, getting to know one another. I feel so blessed to have had so many opportunities to encounter a plethora of wonderful people in my short lifetime. I haven't traveled the world, but I've traveled enough to know that God has an amazing creation in us humans. There are people who choose to deny Him, and even those who desire to do harm to others. Yet, I've been honored to come across many more men and women who simply want to wish you well in this life. Ralph and Kay welcomed us into their home, and they found a permanent home in our hearts. As Bradley has lost his grandparents on his fathers' side, he decided that he's adopting this precious couple, and I agree. I think Memaw and Papaw would approve. After a wonderful Sunday morning worship service, we had to say goodbye to our journey companions, and had the privilege of meeting Marty, Jeri, and their son, Caleb. They treated us to lunch before we hit the road, Springfield bound. Somehow, we were again blessed with delightful company. The 2 hour trip flew by as we discussed their daughter's recent wedding, their personal story, and our upcoming adventures in Cambodia. We met our original traveling sidekicks in a Wal-Mart parking lot, where we said our thanks and goodbyes, and began our final journey home. Thankfully, it was an uneventful trip, with shared memories and laughter. The Lord was extremely kind in not only protecting us on the road, but He managed to help us strengthen and create lifelong friendships. Unfortunately, I somehow managed to go the entire weekend with only taking 2 photos.

Gabe tried to stick it out, but he finally gave in to

Uncle Bradley's warm, cushy arm. 

Saying goodbye to Marty and Jeri.

All in all, a blessed weekend which left me excited for the beautiful people and culture in Cambodia. How did I become so "lucky" in this life? That, I don't know, but what I do know, is that I am a better person for every relationship I create. It's incredible that as a loner-type personality, I still recognize and appreciate the power of God's creation depending on one another for love, even if that love is represented by a simple glass of water. Bottoms up!