Well, later has come. The most popular question I have been asked is, "Have you guys settled in yet?" Most people are asking to make casual conversation, but some people are wanting details. I had been struggling to find the right words to best convey how we are feeling, but how do you explain something that you yourself do not fully understand? Finally, in playing with my nephew, a certain toy gave me my explanation. This toy has a hole in which you push a ball through to send it down a little series of ramps. At one point, he tried to push something down the hole that was not circular in shape. This was my answer. There is a comfortable, familiar hole in which we had made our lives before moving, and so in coming back to the states, we have a level of comfort and familiarity. However, we are no longer a circle. We no longer fit in that hole the way we once did before. Some may think this is sad, strange, or silly, but it is the best way I can share what we feel right now. We feel at home, but home has a different definition to us. Even in familiar places and spaces we just feel... different.
I recall moving from Alaska to Texas at the age of eleven, and the change in sub-cultures was difficult, but not overwhelming. Fashions, housing, and lifestyles were slightly different, but there was still a common thread of culture that ran through the two states. I have a feeling that if I were to relocate back to Alaska, that it would require another adjustment in my fashions, housing, and daily lifestyle. However, I daresay the change would not feel so much like a submersion as this relocation does, and some days I feel accomplished when I simply keep my head above water. Simple things seem taxing. Some things, I would have never guessed. For example...
Visiting with people.
During our two years, I spent roughly half of my time alone. Being a homebody and introvert, I adjusted better than I am sure some would, but I had not realized how accustomed to the solitude I had become, until returning home. Sometimes I feel like a goldfish that has been dumped out of its bowl into a large aquarium filled with thousands of creatures. The difference is that I originally came from this aquarium, but after having been in my bowl for so long, it often feels like I am swimming forever before I can find a quiet place that is not already inhabited. On the flip side, I am thrilled to have so many fish, new and old in their familiarity, with which to swim. I have had moments where it feels like I have forgotten how to converse (sorry if you have been one of these conversation casualties). Going to the store in Cambodia, I always had people surrounding me, whether staring, laughing, or trying to serve me, but the majority of them could not speak to me. Or rather, they spoke to me, but my understanding was limited, and usually by the time I was able to interpret what they had said, they had either become bored with me, or decided that I was a poor student of the language - maybe they were onto something. So, very little of my interaction was verbal. Even at our get togethers, conversation was minimal. With a limited vocabulary - which even then the meaning was not always clear - Vanny was sometimes my only link to talking with someone, and I did my best to not hog him since he was doing his best to visit and converse as well. Since Jonathan, Marissa, and Bradley were more proficient with the language, I usually spent my time playing with the kids, cleaning, or "helping" in the kitchen. After two years of not practicing my conversational skills, I am a little rusty, but every week I feel a little more confident. Who knew that a talkative girl would one day be gun shy with conversation? Of course there have been a few occasions where I have over-conversed my companion - again, sorry if you have been one of those casualties. Although not as easily remembered as riding a bicycle, I am beginning to remember the art of conversation.
Being surrounded by my own language.
Wait, what? Yep. For two years most everywhere I went gave me the option to go wandering through my "mind palace," since the majority of the people around me were speaking a foreign language. I have found it mentally exhausting to hear my native tongue being spoken around me in several groups of people. Trying to decide whether to process or ignore the conversations is something I never imagined would be a struggle. It is not like I am brought to frustration and tears with this struggle, but it has worn me out on several occasions. I know that eventually my brain will adapt, and in the mean time I will allow myself to get a little extra sleep.
Living with technology AND people.
Okay, this one is funny and annoying. Although social media has its perks, having been a border-line recluse, a constant connection to people through technology and in person just sounds exhausting. Oh, the irony that Facebook was such a blessing to have during my "home-sick blues," but now has become something that I have to check after enough people have asked if I received their private message. I totally get that for some it is the perfect solution to keeping in touch with loved ones, as it was that for me at one point. However, it is now a chore, but part of that feeling is due to the now endless connection I have with people. Now we can call, text, and see people, and the idea of having so many people I want to see, is daunting. How did I do this before with a full-time job, part-time job, and household duties? For now, I have an emergency phone that costs for every call and text. Maybe at some point our budget and my semi-social self will be able to handle being more connected, but for now I am going to try to be patient with myself as I strive to reconnect with friends and family via technology and face to face.
Thankfully I am not dealing with any huge hurdles as we readjust to our life in America, but enough little things can be tiresome. There are many days when I feel unproductive, regardless of how productive I was because I feel so weird. Right now our time is being dedicated to fixing up our home to rent again, sorting through a seemingly endless amount of stuff, settling into Timothy and Krista's home without driving them crazy, and reconnecting with every one we love. Speaking, here are some reconnection moments...
Painting and beautifying the house with Bracie.
(Many thanks to Bracie, Timo, and Brian for their help!!!)
My nephew, Shepherd, reading to his baby Bear.
Listening for airplanes with Uncle Bradley.
Snuggling with some of my favorite people.
Castle building at the library with my boys.
They have grown so big. *bittersweet sniff, sniff*
We plan to live with Bradley's brother through December of this year, and our hope is to build a tiny house or small living space, depending on what property situation we find for the business we plan to open in just over a year. We have a lot on our plate, but we also have a lot on our side. Our heavenly Father has been beyond gracious in blessing us directly and through His people. Our prayer is that it will be His hand that continues to mold and transform us as we continue changing shapes. Cheers!
