As another holiday season gets under way, I am amazed how easy it is to not care about the break from work or school, especially since living abroad truly puts holidays into perspective. Man-made traditions do make me miss some of the festivities, but for me, beings a quality-time person in my love language, it is the time apart form family that makes me sad. Since I have lost track of time in a land where summer never ends, it honestly does not feel like the time of year when we usually gather with our loved ones. Still, friends and family have reminded me, directly and indirectly, that this is the time of year in my homeland when we make an extra effort to be thankful, and so I have to ask myself if I know what it means to be truly thankful.
It does not take long to realize how very blessed you are, when you are surrounded by so many who suffer from poverty, and little to no education. It is difficult to know that I cannot fix everything. I see children begging because their parents do not want to work, and I want to take them home, away from their parents' laziness. I see children kick their dogs for fun because they have not been taught to value life in every form, and I want to rescue the animals. I see trash linking the roads and literally covering the streams, and I want to take trash bags by the hundreds to fill, in the hopes that I can teach them to care for what we have been given. I hear mothers call their babies ugly, sad that their child does not the light skin and hair which "magically" fixes so many problem in the world they understand, and it pains me to know that I cannot, in my short time here, change the embedded views of a culture who sees themselves as "less than." I see people digging through garbage, with the desire to find recyclables to turn in for money, and my heart aches, longing to give them the opportunities I have had. All of these events have made me realize that I still do not fully appreciate how blessed I have been in my life. I am disheartened to know that I take wonderful, beautiful blessings for granted every day.
Most of my Khmer friends and acquaintances here have never been more than a few hours from their home; they have never crossed the border into a foreign land. Cambodia is all they know. In some ways I have lived a sheltered life, but it is strange to think that i have a broader world view than some people where who are 3 times my age. I have never before recognized the value of my world view.
How on earth can I make a difference to people who have less than me, when I have yet to grasp what it means to be thankful? In my heart of hearts I know that I can make a difference in this world, because everyone makes a difference to someone, whether good or bad. A single drop of rain may not sure a drought, but it still lessens the struggle of that single locations where it lands. Still, I find myself continually struggling, overwhelmed with my current station in life; struggling to comprehend gratitude.
In the past two classes with our Khmer tutor, he has shared some cultural differences that only made my heart sink more. One thing he has told us is that people here do not connect over food, talking, and games. It is weird to them, as a whole (there are always exceptions), as they connect over alcohol and karaoke, and games are only played during holidays or if there is a hope for financial gain. Being born and bred Americans, this social norm was shocking to Bradley and me...although it suddenly made many of our frustrations make sense. In so many ways we have tried to reach out with our American understanding, but, as we have learned tiam dnagain, it takes more than our understanding. Our understanding is simply not enough. This social connections is another thing I have taken for granted. Coming from a culture that has its issues, yet, in general, has a respect and appreciation for life, our society is encouraged to reach out to our fellow man. I am sure it is why so many organizations here are fun, funded, and staffed by Americans; we still cary on the idea that we are a "big brother" to the world. However, I have learned that in a country where geonicde ruled for several years, trust is something that is not easily given or earned. Again, I am confronted with the awareness that both my safety and protection throughout my American life, are things I have never fully appreciated.
So, how do I deal with the guilt of knowing that I have learned so much more than I have taught?
And how do I express my love and thankfulness to people who cannot fathom why I would care about them?
The only thing I have come up with is time. Time for them to see my smile over and over again; time for them to watch me stumble over a foreign language, as I do my best to communicate with them; time for them to hear me repeat my concern for their health; time for them to grow accustomed to our efforts to reach out to them; time for them to know that although we are leaving, we will be forever changed by this land of theirs...forever changed by them.
And so I find myself growing thankful for time.
Desperately desiring to reach out and touch every single person, I have discovered how very small and insignificant I am in the whole spectrum of life. To some this may seem a depressing thought, but it helps me tremendously whenever discouragement takes hold. On the timeline of eternity, I am a tiny blip, practically unnoticeable, and yet, I matter to a Creator, of whom I stand in awe. All of the souls I encounter matter to Him, and that is why they matter to me. I do not have all of the answers that will solve all of lief's problems, but i do have the ability to grow in my understanding of gratitude. Although I wish I was more, and I wish I had more to give, I will do my best to bless others in whatever way possible.
I know I will never be able to fully comprehend my blessings in being born into a free country; having a caring family; and receiving the opportunities that have afforded me my faith, education, and life. However, I have learned that in looking as every encounter, trial, and moment, I can find something for whcihc to eb thankful. In this revelation, this small, insignificant being cad say that "I know that I am truly thankful." Happy Thanksgiving!
What about you? For what are you truly thankful?
Can you think of something you have taken for granted?
